Morning Connections

My new upstairs neighbor and I just totally bonded. Hour long hang. I’ve got my goal of one real and meaningful conversation a day out of the way early. Success!

Adorable rugby playing arborist not opposed to my anti-covid morning ritual. And he’s hanging out with my favorite barista. Or at least tied for favorite.

To quote a friend of mine, won the day already and it’s not even 10. The best thing you can do for himself is set goals related to compassion and love and then consciously celebrate their achievement just like you’d do a promotion or new job.

I’d argue success has less to do with your bank account and more to do with your hearts fullness. For us, being open to meaningful And healthy relationships of all kinds is our biggest challenge in healing. That’s included our relationship with ourselves first and foremost.

Our ability and willingness to exist comfortably and in harmony with other people has been abused and deformed. Like a plant denied sunlight we’ve struggled to attain the form of our peers. Our outer shell has grown like our peers, but our inner life has been taken in a direction by broken people few people can see and even less can understand.

To heal is to risk. To heal is to be brave. To heal is to say I will not be conditioned to mistrust everyone and everything.

We must tell ourselves we are capable of boundaries. We are capable of being loved and valued exactly as we are at this very instant and at any other instant we draw breath. We are not extra. We are not too much. We are a gift to someone. The perfect person. We don't need to be fixed. We need to be understood and loved. We need to see our value reflected back to us by eyes attached to a mind that sees us as we are and wants more. Sometimes a mirror is involved.

All these things are very possible and easily cultivated. An open heart is what we are after. Our mind will follow if we do this properly. Covid has made the first step a bit hard. When I was in a very dark place and was desperately searching the outer world for a lifeboat I made a decision to smile in public. I have resting bitch face. A scowl. I don't suffer fools well and there are lots of fools out there. It was equal parts a cry for help and a course correction. I wanted connection. I knew smiles were something that created openness. So when I walked around, and I made myself walk around in public, I would smile at everyone. Hot chick. Smile. Old man. Smile. Black guy. White Guy. Whatever. Smile.

What I learned was it created a different kind of energy exchange. This simple gesture was also illuminating the way I viewed the world as threat. There's a component to all of this, to every thing I talk about, that exists on a subconscious level. I was not walking around consciously saying that's a threat, that's a threat and so forth. If you would have suggested that to me I would have said you're nuts. But as I began to understand what healthy exchanges of energy could look like, I began to see and understand the dysfunction more and more.

We are the map to our own salvation.

All we have to do is learn to read ourselves and trust that we are seeing clearly.

We are.

Children of narcissists, once they see over the veil of the abuse have the capacity to see the world with more clarity than anyone else. Not every one will get there. But I truly believe that power is within all of us and is an unwanted gift of profound magnitude. It may be buried underneath a mile of shit right now but it is there and it can be excavated. Hard work and unspeakable pain may be the price to dig that deep. Pay it as soon as you think you can without it killing you.

Until then start with something simple and safe. Smile. Set a goal to get a couple in return. See what happens. Try to talk to someone new. Be brave and trust in yourself. Interact with your life in new ways and sit in the discomfort until it's familiar. We are comfortable in misery and the only way out is the discomfort of contentment and peace. Find safe people to ease the transition and be quick to dismiss those who are unsafe. No matter who they are. Everyone who is unsafe must be replaced with someone who gives you the energy, the love, you deserve and you have earned just by existing. We are all born to be loved. Even me. And you.

I am safe. Send me a smile if it helps. Trust that I want nothing from you. I only want you to love yourself and find whatever it is you need to live your life and feel all the feelings you are made to feel. To be fully human. There are people everywhere who want to love you. Who want to celebrate and know everything about you you thought was too much. Find yourself and then find them. Or find them and then find yourself. Do whatever you need to do to smile for real.