Shedding Armor

Scott used to say “why do you think everyone’s out to get you”

He also named my anxiety in the way only he could long before I had any idea what it was.

When your brain is being formed it’s impossible to understand how everyone’s works differently.

It was trauma. When I began to understand how trauma shaped me to subconsciously view *everything in the world* as a potential threat it was a weight you couldn’t imagine. Profound sadness at wasted time, squandered love and dysfunction participation in life. Fear disguised as sadness and failure. A feeling like I’d been wrong at the very base of my thought structure. That is been wronged and abused and I had to course correct.

So what to do? Go sit in public and make yourself see things as they are. Unknowns. Look at people and animals and cars and whatever and recognize I’m a massive and capable human being and the idea of being guided by fear is no longer necessary. Make a mental note that I don’t know a Fucking thing about people I don’t know a Fucking thing about.

Smile at people. Be open.

I just watched a bee land on my arm without reacting. It didn’t sting me. If it had I’d have gotten stung. So what. Small exercise but meaningful.

And then begin to accept that the threats have mostly never been true and refuse to waste anymore time or effort on protecting myself from potential joy and love. Forgive myself for surviving the best I could. It may not have been pretty but I’m still here so I win.

And then start building from a place of openness and wisdom.

There are no threats on the horizon. There is only my choice to be open or closed.